What sort of man should I look for?

By: Margarita Holmes

 

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I am 16 years old, have no one else to ask except people my age who are gay like me. We discuss our sexcapades; many in the group say they have “made chupa ng daks na notches” (sucked a big penis).

I feel pressured to share whenever they asked me if I already scored. What should I tell my friends? Because I do not have experiences, I do not know what I should look for when I have sexcapades. Is it his size (penis)? Is it his body? his looks? Please guide me. Red

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Dear Red,

Thank you for your letter.

There are multiple types of relationships, from one night stands to lifelong marriages and every variation in between. It really is a question of different strokes for different folks and one of the early joys in life is the journey to discover what particular stroke(s) is/ are the one(s) you favor.

Why limit your horizons at this early stage of your life trying to pinpoint in advance the characteristics of your ideal partner? Your partner for a one night stand may have completely different qualities from your partner for a longer relationship. Your tastes may change as you get older. Finally, there is so much fun to be had discovering what the world has to offer.

As for the pressure to share, if you feel you need to share, use your imagination. It’s more than likely that they are embroidering the truth themselves.

Two final points. You have your whole life ahead of you and so you don’t need to rush things; look on your journey as less of a 100 meter race and more of a marathon. Take precautions. All the best-JAF Baer

Dear Red:

Thank you very much for your letter.

Frankly, I never considered Mr Baer’s advice that “(re) pressure to share, if you feel you need to share, use your imagination” as a likely solution to your problem. While I would never ever suggest lying as a way out of a predicament, it is a viable solution.

In my clinical experience, lying about one’s sexual conquests to one’s barkada (but not to one’s future partner) where no particular person has been identified thus no sullying of anyone’s reputation has occurred, has not led to negative consequences.

If slaking your lust and/ or being able to brag about exploits are your only goals, then go for someone who has the physical and thus superficial attributes you and your mates value. If and only if you take the necessary precautions.

However, even under these circumstances, I hope you discover that a kind man who cares enough to give you an unforgettable experience is more brag-able than a selfish cad who uses your mouth as a mere orifice to give himself an orgasm.

When you are ready for a serious relationship please feel free to write us again. All the best and enjoy!-MG Holmes All the best-MG Holmes Resource: [Two-Pronged] column at rappler.com

Margarita Holmes, Ph. D. graduated with an AB Psychology degree (magna cum laude) and was awarded the Most Outstanding Graduate for 1972 by the UP Alumni Association. Dr Holmes took her MPH at the University of Hawaii and her Ph.D. at the Ateneo de Manila University, and is interviewed by the BBC, CNN and AL Jazeera to explain world events in the Phil and abroad. She has been a professor of psychology at the graduate and undergraduate level both here and abroad and has written 18 books, all bestsellers. Dr Holmes is a pioneer in writing the fi rst books in Filipino sexuality and in clinical depression, hosting the fi rst show focused solely on psychological issues called No Nonsense with Dr Holmes and introducing courses at the UP Graduate school in neuroscience and spirituality. But what distinguishes her from other academics is her ability to straddle both the scientifi c and everyday concerns both populations deem important.